I’m pretty sure all children like to hear about what they were like as babies and toddlers. This is one of the boys’ favorite stories.
After we brought the boys home from the hospital after their debut into the world, the prevailing opinion on bathing babies was that you don’t immerse them in water until their umbilical cords fell off. (I have no idea what the prevailing opinions on bathing newborns is now. I don’t even really want to know.) We sponge bathed them regularly, but even newborns get a little ripe after a few days. (We also didn’t really know how to properly dry out the umbilical stump so it would fall off so it took FOREVER.) Being brand new parents to two tiny people, Ed and I were naturally terrified of them. We had no idea how to bathe a baby, but the babies in our house had to be bathed so we had to figure out how to survive the bath. (I mean me and Ed surviving. We knew we would be able to keep the cherubs safe throughout a bath.)
We set the plastic baby bath tub on the bathroom counter and started filling it with warm water. We decided on Trip as the first baby to endure the bath. I stripped the tiny boy down and he commenced to screaming because he didn’t like being naked. As I held him over the water on his way down to set him softly in the tub, he dropped an avocado green turd into the water. I yanked him up, horrified that my baby might have been bathed in poop water. He promptly pooped in my hand. There was avocado green poop in my hand! I had never before been so disgusted. Ed was laughing uncontrollably. I put my naked, screaming, cold baby against my chest so I could clean off my hand and we could dump the poop water and start over with the bath. Trip pooped in my hand while I was holding him against my chest. Ed tried to coo sympathetically at me while simultaneously laughing so hard he could hardly breathe. Trip continued to scream and Ed filled the tub with fresh water. We had come this far and we were not going to be stopped. The bathtub held about three inches of lukewarm water and I set Trip down in the tub. He screamed louder. Ed and I scrubbed the little munchkin down as quickly as we could, rinsed the soap off, and got him into a towel.
I carried my traumatized munchkin draped with a baby towel into the nursery and set him on his changing table. He got a fresh diaper and a new set of pajamas. He had stopped crying, but only because one can only cry for so long. He had started the traumatized, hiccupping breathing thing that babies do when they’ve finally cried so much that they can’t cry anymore.
Logan did not get bathed that night.
Logan didn’t get bathed for three more nights.
Sponge baths sufficed until I was ready to endure that trauma again.
Believe it or not, the bathing got better. They even started liking the baths. One of their favorite phrases now is “Avocado Green Poop!”